Please Remain Calm

Joachim Heijndermans

April 1st 2022

Please remain calm. This is a mental probe. We are not near you, nor can we hear you. Please heed our message.

You have been upgraded with a level six genetic boost. You no longer require food. You no longer require oxygen. You no longer require to dispose of your bodily waste, as you produce none. Your strength has been quadrupled, with body augmentation to match your current anatomy. Your speed has been tripled, with augmentation to avoid issues with friction. You are still mortal, but the chances of premature death have been greatly reduced. You have become a new paradigm for your species to aspire to. You are one of one thousand and two hundred specimens of this world that have received this augmentation. Enjoy.

Please do not use your new skills for self-gain. Please refrain from using your new skills to instigate violence among others of your kind. Please do not use your new skills to subjugate those that have not been enhanced, as this would be an unfair fight.

We will return for re-evaluation in seven cycles of your planet’s rotation around its sun. Please remain calm, and thank you for your cooperation.

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Please remain calm. This is a mental probe. We are not near you, nor can we hear you. Please heed our message. 

As scheduled, we have returned to re-evaluate your progress. You are now one of seven hundred and twenty-one specimens that have received the level six boost, and we regret to inform you that this decrease seems to be due to internal conflict amongst yourselves. We regret to inform you that 45% of the augmented specimens have not adhered to our requests to avoid the instigation of violence, subjugate lesser specimens and our other criteria. Therefore, we will downsize your number by an additional 20% in the hopes of reducing further conflict and collateral damage. Those remaining will receive a level 5 boost, with slight enchantments to your already elevated physical abilities. Let this be a lesson, and please do not force us to take further drastic measures.

Once again, we shall return after seven cycles of your planet’s rotation around its sun for further evaluation. Please remain calm, and thank you for your cooperation.

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Please remain calm. This is a mental probe. We are not near you, nor can we hear you. Please heed our message.

Once again, we have returned for your regular evaluation. You are one of two hundred and seventeen specimens that have received physical augmentation boosts. We are displeased to learn our previous intervention did not inspire an alteration of your approach and the use of your augmentations. We also regret to inform you that your actions have reduced the population of your species by nearly 63%, as well as reduced other animal and plant life by 74%. Please take immediate action, or your planet could be irrevocably damaged and possibly rendered uninhabitable for future generations.

We shall attempt to rectify some of our own errors by reducing your augmented population by another 20%. This time, only 10% of you shall receive a level four upgrade, which includes additional enhancement boosts as well as the ability to levitate yourselves.

Please use your newfound improvements wisely, and we shall see you again in another seven cycles of your planet’s rotation around its sun. Please remain calm, and thank you for your cooperation.

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Please remain calm. This is a mental probe. We are not near you, nor can we hear you. Please heed our message.

We have returned, and your progress has not met our expectations. You are one of nineteen specimens that have received our augmentations, and for the majority of you, your performance has been poor.

Your planet has become nigh-inhabitable, which we regret to inform you disqualifies it from further intervention on our part. While we admit that perhaps we acted too hastily in performing such a large scale augmentation program on such a large number of specimens (as well as performing our alterations on an untested species), we are also disappointed in your constant refusal to heed our suggestions and warnings regarding your enhanced skills. In any case, what is done is done, and hindsight is twenty-twenty, as your saying goes.

We will perform one more augmentation on three of your kind, boosting you to a level three status. Do with this as you will, and we will return within seven cycles of your planet’s rotation around its sun. Please remain calm, and thank you for your cooperation.

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Please remain calm. This is a mental probe. We are not near you, but this time we are able to hear you. Please heed our message.

You are one of one. It seems all other specimens of your world, both augmented and standard, have been eliminated. The same applies to all other lifeforms.

We regret to inform you that your planet has become structurally unsound due to the damage you and your kind have inflicted upon it in what we presume is the result of your frequent skirmishes. While we regret our role in the conflicts that ensued our upgrades, we did warn you not to abuse your newfound skills. Nevertheless, we thank you for your participation in our experiment, and leave you with one voucher for relocation to a more suitable homeworld, preferable one devoid of other intelligent species that you could inflict harm upon.

We hope you enjoy the remainder of your life and rest assured the data we collected from our experiment will benefit our future work greatly. And please, there is no need for language like that. And that hand gesture is uncalled for, as we are aware of its meaning.

Farewell, please remain calm, and thank you for your cooperation.

Author Bio: Joachim Heijndermans writes, draws, and paints nearly every waking hour. Originally from the Netherlands, he’s been all over the world, boring people by spouting random trivia about toys, movies and comics. His work has been featured in a number of anthologies and publications, such as Mad Scientist Journal, Ahoy Comics, and The Gallery of Curiosities, while his story ‘All Through the House‘ was adapted as an episode of the Netflix animated anthology ‘Love, Death & Robots‘. 

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